Worthy of a Crush

I was boy crazy.  Like really boy crazy, but no one really knew that since my serious crushes started around the same time that I suddenly got very shy.  It was honestly a pathetic level of boy craziness.  A different crush every couple of months, and good lord, I fell hard.  But it was silent.  I didn't ever want them to know because I didn't feel like any guy could like me romantically.  I felt like they would be weird-ed out that I was crushing on them and that they would tell everyone that I was creepy.  I was never in the popular crowd at school, but my crushes were usually from that section.  I felt like no guy could ever reciprocate those feelings.

And I still feel that way.

But I'm working on it.

I am 19 years old and a sophomore in college and have never had a guy ask me on a date or even show the slightest bit of romantic interest in me... as far as I know.  The closest I have ever come to getting asked out is getting asked to dance country swing.  Recently, I have been kind of looking back over my past high school years and time in college and the lack of dating and I have noticed a few things which I would like to bring to mention and just kind of examine.

1) First, I have had to realize that  feeling like no guy could ever like you is believing a lie!  I have been allowing myself to believe this lie for years.  Every time I had even the slightest amount of courage to talk to a guy I kind of liked I instantly got this gut feeling like "why do you even think he might like you?  That's so juvenile, you don't want to come off like you're weird, do you??"   That pit in my stomach still rears its ugly face to this day... and I have to remind myself that I am lovable.  I have wrestled with this for years, but usually wrote it off that I was too young and that it was just a dumb crush.  But recently I realized that at 19 (my mom was engaged by this point) there is NO reason to feel that no guy would ever like me and that the message in my head isn't a warning from God... it's a lie being used to rip apart my self esteem piece by piece.    

2) Second, I tend to be very emotionally reserved so I have the terrible 21st century habit of googling answers to life's questions.  I highly DO NOT recommend this, but yesterday I was googling the age old question, "how do you know if a guy likes you?" Yes, I did that... ugh.  I can't believe I just admitted that...  But, I somewhere along the line ended up on a Christian website that had an article talking about women  in college or beyond who have never been asked out on a date.  On a slight tangent, lately I have noticed that my age cohort at my church is the only one that seems to have a serious handicap when dealing with the opposite sex.  The age group a few years above and a few years below are all best buds and hangout together ALL the time.  We had and some, including myself, still have a significantly hard time even talking to some one of the other gender, much less getting a date.  Ok, back on topic.  So the article I was reading talked about how popular Christian culture has encouraged young women to "guard their hearts," and included thoughts on gender roles in dating.  I'll get back to the reason for the parenthesis in a minute.  I also noticed that the "dating talks" were really popular during my cohort's adolescence... and to be 100% honest I think they had great intentions, but ended doing some harm to those who stuck to them closely.  The article essentially suggested that we have maybe tried to push gender roles a little too much in the Christian dating scene.  Please do not get me wrong, this is coming from a hardcore gender role enthusiast.  I believe they have their purpose, but I feel as those we have made it seem as though girls are supposed to wait by silently and never show any interest in a specific guy.  While I am all for guys leading, I can also imagine just how hard getting no reaction from a girl is for a guy.  He is putting a lot on the line asking for a date without ever knowing what the girl thinks.  While we are on this topic, I also want to mention that we have expanded the term "flirting" to include everything under the sun!  I actually felt for awhile that talking to a guy I liked when I didn't really have a reason to other than that I simply wanted to was considered "flirting."  And every Christian teen is taught that flirting is BAD!  Talking to a person of the opposite gender who you might like is not flirting, well, unless it is... but then that's in the category of real flirting.  Talking to a person of the opposite gender is healthy and forms good relationships which may then form romantic relationships down the road.  But I feel that because my cohort got the extreme no dating and purity talks forced on us, I feel like some of us don't know how to have healthy relationships now that we are at an acceptable dating age.
  

Now for the explanation for the parenthesis.  The phrase "guard your heart" has been used countless times in relation to dating and relationships.  I did a quick search for the phrase in a couple different versions of the Bible and I found that the NIV only has one instance of the phrase which is found in Proverbs 4:23, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."  The thing I want to point out here is that this phrase seems to have more to do with the things you partake in and allow to enter your heart which then will subsequently "flow from it."  I feel like while this does somewhat touch on relationships (obviously you should guard your heart from bad relationships) but I feel like this verse has been taken so out of context and it has been used so adamantly during dating talks to discourage dating and relationships with the opposite gender when that was not its true intention.            

3) Lastly, I am actually fairly thankful that I was quiet in high school, for the very fact that I kept my crushes to myself.  I probably, or rather God probably protected me from a lot of heartache that I otherwise would have experienced given my true, but hidden personality.  I don't necessarily regret my high school years, but I want to move forward with a new perspective.

Thanks for reading!  Leave a comment below! :)